Never ask a kid why they did something bad.

This intriguing advice leapt off the page of one of the child psychology books* I read when breast-feeding my first child. It would be sixteen years before I ran into ‘Theory of Knowledge’ which questions if we can really know anything when my child studied that theory in high school.  Fortunately for my anxiety levels as a new parent, I intuitively knew all the pyschological advice I was reading was just theory…and theory is rarely Truth.

Still. I resonated deeply and profoundly with that radical statement about questioning ‘why’.  Before I started to intellectually understand, my inner awareness felt it. My thirty-something self viscerally remembered being a four or five year old child, cornered by my stern father who confronted me with a thunderous “WHY did you….”. And I again could feel the sinking in my gut, knees getting weak, heart fluttering, roaring in the ears and vision blurring. Not because I was a willful or wily youngster that did not want to confess, but because – for the life of me – I absolutely could not answer that question! Twenty-five years and four kids later, I am still not convinced there is any greater difference between the psychology of children and adults – or that of dogs on some level. Adults have learned strategies but the dog is often quivering on the floor.

The question of ‘why’ is, of course, essential in our quest for meaning and understanding. Yet it is not the best one to start with – at least not when hoping for a positive outcome. Now, if one wants to manipulate or put an opponent on the defensive, it can be an excellent tactic. Answering a deeper ‘why’ necessitates accessing realms most of us are initially unwilling if not downright unable (like a young child or wounded adult) to navigate. Enter the support and guidance of a professional, at least to start with and continue with for the really tough stuff.

So. Let’s formulate some more approachable and constructive questions using when, where, what and how before wrapping up with why.  ‘It’ in the following questions is the event, the story we tell ourselves about ‘it’ and ultimately, it’s just an energy. Clients will recognize what follows as a common protocol in our sessions, the hoops we jump through to get to the desired end state of understanding, compassion and empowerment. We might work through last week’s argument at work/home or handle anxiety about tomorrow’s medical scan.   If really indicated, we can go back to childhood trauma, generational patterns or even past life stories. Our intent, ultimately, is to bring this way of flowing energy into everyday life, so you can live the story of your life more harmoniously (read less drama).

WHEN did ‘it’ happen?

Tell the story of the event/situation in real time, keeping as much as possible the factual situation that a video recorder would portray. The how you subjectively felt and what you personally thought will come in the next steps. Discerning the difference between what we could call ‘fact’ and ‘fiction’ is enlightening in itself.

WHERE do you feel ‘it’ in your body when you reconnect with ‘it’?

Use ‘clear stagnation’ Qigong movement with “Soften and Flow, Just let the stuck energy go…”

WHAT do you think when you remember ‘it’?

Use EFT “Even though I am still thinking that….”  tapping to release the thought field/belief or do The Work and ask:” Is that really True?”

HOW did you react then and how can you choose differently now?

Use NLP or Matrix Reimprinting to go back on the timeline and reframe your reaction.

WHY did ‘it’ happen?

Open to new understanding and fresh perspective after the above steps and potentially discover ‘why’ as an answer. Staying hung up on the cosmic question ‘why’ in some scenarios (Why was I abused/unloved as a child? Why did my child/parent die young?) may only serve to keep you in the karmic loop. Let ‘it’ go and let compassion flow. And as always, learn and grow.

Our long term goal is to wield this perspective in real time as the event happens – not saving ‘it’ to vent at some therapist several days later. The key triad question runs like a mantra in the background: “What am I feeling – thinking – choosing?”  Now you are free to let the highest version of yourself unfold from a more conscious state. And that makes all the difference.

In due time, it becomes second nature to flow energy when stressed as surely as a dog shakes it off; to quickly identify and release the negative thought pattern arising which no longer serves you; and finally to consciously respond from your unique evolving Self. No magic transformations once and for all: It is a practice. However, the energy medicine techniques I teach (e.g. EFT Tapping and Qigong) can also effect change with single insight or movement so the full process is not always necessary – after dedicated practice of energetic mindfulness and embodiment.

In the realms of energy, miracles are possible!

May your energy flow freely,

Laura

*The book I reference was written, if memory serves, by the controversial Bruno Bettelheim who also promoted the concept of the ‘good enough parent’. Since my contented baby usually had his eyes closed when feeding, here is hoping that I was a ‘good enough mother’, nursing on demand while reading to getting my insatiable thirst for knowledge satisfied. Bettelheim is also well known for the discarded theory of the ‘refrigerator mother’ being responsible for autism.  But let us not throw out the baby with the bathwater, who is purely wise? The man obviously had insight as well which a sample of his quotes reveals:

“Among the most valuable but least appreciated experiences parenthood can provide are the opportunities it offers for exploring, reliving and resolving one’s own childhood problems in the context of one’s relationship to the child.”

“What cannot be talked about cannot be put to rest. And if it is not, the wounds will fester from generation to generation.”

“If we hope not to just live from moment to moment, but in true consciousness of our existence, then our greatest need and most difficult achievement, is to find meaning in our lives.”